This is what the average person knows about tantric sex: It has a tenuous connection to ancient Hinduism and Buddhism, Sting does it, and it lasts for hours. But Tantra is not about a British rock star or henna tattoos. The goal is to feel more pleasure for more extended periods of time. So if you want to have more and better sex, then it’s time to get acquainted with some tantric techniques.
Even if the mystical and metaphysical aspects are a little much for you, sex educator and coach Barbara Carrellas insists that anyone can reap the benefits of tantric sex. That’s why she wrote Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century. She wants people to know that tantric techniques are worth exploring even if you don’t own tie-dyed garments or believe in the third eye.
Diana Richardson, author of The Heart of Tantric Sex: A Unique Guide to Love and Sexual Fulfillment, agrees that just about anyone can unlock the benefits of tantric sex. The one requirement? A willingness to go outside of your sexual comfort zone.
“Do you choose to do and follow the known and what you have done thousands of time before? Or do you play with the unknown by attempting to bring new elements into the field consciously?” she asks.
If you’ve gone with Option B, then it’s time to explore our beginner’s guide to tantric techniques. And they’re not as difficult as you might expect. It turns out, sex that feels better and lasts longer is right around the corner. And for more ways to change things up in the bedroom, check out 40 Erotic Role Play Ideas That’ll Totally Spice Up Your Sex Life.
Open Your Mind
The first step is simple: Approach Tantra as wholly, as totally, and as consciously as possible. “Tantric sex is focused more on building and following sexual energy than it is on purely physical sensations,” says Carrellas.
Following tantric techniques teaches you how to allow increasing levels of sexual energy to build up and flow within yourself, as well as between you and a partner. “By building up all this energy, you can go deeper and farther into any erotic experience,” Carrellas explains.
Curb Your Expectations
The second step to reaping the benefits of Tantra is to relinquish any expectations of what might or should happen. “The most ecstatic moments in sex—erotic, emotional, spiritual—happen when the only moment that exists is the one you’re currently enjoying,” Carrellas says.
“This is one of the reasons that people become so fond of practicing Tantra: It’s never the same twice, it’s adaptable, and there’s always something unique to be found in each new present moment. So it can’t possibly get boring!”
Incorporate Rituals
In her book Great In Bed, human sexuality expert Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., suggests using rituals to delineate sex as a unique and important event. You shouldn’t treat it as a simple thing, like scrolling through Instagram or binge-watching your favorite show.
According to Herbenick, the ritual can be as simple as sharing a bottle of wine, taking a bath together, decorating the space with candles, listening to a carefully-curated playlist, or embracing for several minutes before anything else happens. By doing one or more of these “rituals,” you are signaling that what you’re about to do—whether alone or with a partner—is special.
Slow Your Roll
Studies have shown that when you eat more slowly and mindfully, you enjoy food much more than you do when you inhale it. Well, the same goes for sex. That’s why tantric techniques are all about resisting the urge to sprint towards what we often think of as the best part.
Herbenick writes that slowing things down leads to greater sexual enjoyment. Plus, over time, it will also allow you to better know and master your sexual response, as well as that of your partner. “If either of you climaxes, try and maintain the connection, rather than seeing your orgasm as the end of sex,” she writes.
Carrellas points out that those who practice Tantra refer to the phrase “three strokes for 30.” It means that it’s better to touch three times slowly and with “exquisite consciousness” than 30 times with a lack of attention.
Focus On Your Breathing
“Breathe more, fuller, deeper, longer,” says Carrellas. “Breathe before sex, during sex, and after sex. Breathe like your pleasure, your life, and your imagination depend upon it. They do.”
In fact, she maintains that people can have orgasms from breathing alone. (For $15, you can listen to her lesson on how to do so here.)
According to Herbenick, couples who incorporate tantric techniques into their lovemaking often enjoy synchronizing their breathing patterns. “Some tantrics do this with one partner straddling the other, such as by sitting in their lap, facing one another and harmonizing their breathing,” she writes.
Practice Eye Gazing
Eye gazing is one of the most powerful tantric techniques you have at your disposal. “If you’ve never done it before, you’ll probably giggle or feel self-conscious at first,” says Carrellas.
But if you try to relax and keep breathing through the giggles, eventually those feelings will die down. “You’ll soon drop into a kind of lovely hypnotic intimacy, unlike anything you’ve felt before,” she says.
To help you get there, try playing instrumental music (since “lyrics can be distracting,” Carrellas notes) and placing your hand on your partner’s heart as they do the same with you.
Stay In The Present
Present moment consciousness—or mindfulness—makes everything sexier. Carrellas says: “Thoughts like, ‘What are we going to do next?’ or, ‘I wonder if I’m going to be able to have an orgasm,’ or ‘Will sex today be better (or worse) than it was yesterday?’ will take you out of your body and throw you into your anxious monkey mind.”
Instead, she suggests asking yourself the kinds of questions that will allow you to connect with what you’re feeling. Try thinking, “Where am I feeling my partner most intensely?” and “Where are they feeling me most intensely?”
“All the Tantra techniques I teach are really just tools to create mental, physical, or energetic mindfulness,” Carrellas says. And once you’ve mastered those tantric techniques, try out these 17 Expert Sex Moves the Best Lovers Always Do.
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